One Man, One Woman

This is going to be one of those posts that brings up more questions than it answers. Maybe you can read it and provide some insight for me.

Relationships are grand, but they also have the potential for stress, misunderstanding, and heartache. The scriptures are replete with examples of parent/child relationships, friendships, and even marriages. However, the more I read and ponder the latter, the more flummoxed I become, especially about divorce, polygamy, and adultery.Have the answers ever been clear cut? What's a woman to think when studying the lives of the women in the Old Testament?

Let’s start with the wives of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I don’t know what happened after Sarah died, but I know that when she and Abraham were married, he instructed her to tell two different rulers that she was his sister. While it’s true that she was his half-sister, she was also his wife, and it’s always struck me as odd that, per her husband’s instructions, she twice lived in harems, situations that assured the couple’s safety and added to their wealth. Before I forget, she told Abraham it would be okay to sleep with Hagar so that he could have an heir. As we know, he did. Was Hagar looked on as Wife #2, or was she still just Sarah’s maidservant? Was it okay to commit adultery back in the day?

Eventually, Isaac was born to Abraham and Sarah. When he grew to manhood, he married Rebekah, and from all accounts, she was beautiful, and he loved her very much. They had two sons, Esau who was his father’s favorite and Jacob who was his mother’s. Determined that Jacob receive his father’s blessing, Rebekah and Jacob hatched a scheme to deceive Isaac. The deception worked. Is Rebekah a good role model for what a loving wife should be?

Years pass, and Jacob marries Leah, not because he wants to but because he was tricked into it. His heart belonged to Rachel, Leah’s sister, and he married her too. Seems to me the household would already be full enough, but he also had relations with his wives’ servants, Zilpah and Bilhah. In fact, these women gave birth to four of the heads of the 12 tribes of Israel. So is it okay to have several wives?

I’m not getting into the David and Bathsheba story. I’ve already mentioned them in an earlier post. Instead, I’m going to bring up Abigail, David’s wife whom he met while she was married to Nathan. He didn’t meet her in the same context that he met Bathsheba, however. Abigail’s husband had been rude and dismissive with David’s army, and when Abigail heard the news, she knew she had to do something to save their hides. Unbeknownst to her husband, she took provisions to David and his men. Nathan died soon thereafter, and David sent for Abigail. Is it okay to go behind your husband’s back when you know he’s done something really stupid?

Solomon had 1,000 wives and concubines. What’s up with that? How can people gloss over that little fact when they condemn the Mormons for practicing polygamy in the early days of the church? At least the men who had more than one wife supported and protected them. I recently realized that Hannah's husband had another wife. And Esther? Well, I won't go there tonight either.

All this thinking is giving me a headache. I’ll get back to it later.Right now I'm just wondering where we got our ideas about the ideal marriage.

Lessons from Rebekah

Lately I’ve been pondering some of the stories about the women in the Bible. What were their personalities really like? What about their day-to-day lives and the decisions they made? The more I read, the more I wonder why some of them are even included. What are the lessons we’re supposed to learn from them?
Let’s take Rebekah, for instance. People name their daughters after her, and I’ve heard about the great love story between Isaac and her more times than I can recollect. Lately, however, I’ve been digging a little deeper, and I’m a little disturbed by some of my insights. I hope they’re amiss somehow and that maybe someone can shed a little more light on the subject.

On the plus side, Rebekah goes with Isaac’s servant to meet and marry a man she’s never met. Trusting God and His will for her life, she leaves her home in Nahor with a stranger and travels 500 miles to meet Isaac. That can’t have been much fun. Furthermore, she’s the mother of Jacob, the man who became the patriarch of the Twelve Tribes of Israel. But wait, isn’t she also the mother of Esau?

That brings me to the negative side. Not only did Rebekah connive with Jacob to take away Esau’s birthright, but in doing so, she also brought about a serious rift between brothers. Esau was so angry that he threatened to kill Jacob. In addition, in planning and executing this devious plan, Rebekah deceived her husband in a serious way. When Isaac discovered that he had inadvertently blessed Jacob instead of Esau, he was heartbroken; he couldn’t undo what had been done. Grieved at being deceived by his wife and younger son, he was also sorrowful that Esau wouldn’t receive what was rightfully his.

What are the lessons I’m supposed to learn from Rebekah? Is it okay to hoodwink your husband to get what you want for your beloved son? Speaking of sons, is it okay to play favorites? No, I don’t think so. At the same time, God told Rebekah that two nations were fighting within her womb and that the older would serve the younger. Perhaps she was remembering this promise when she planned the hoax. Perhaps she thought it was the best thing to do and that in carrying out her plan, she was simply doing her part to fulfill the prophecy.

So why is Rebekah so admired? Why are her virtues so extolled? Is it because she’s Isaac’s wife and matriarch of a dynasty? While it’s true that her story demonstrates the importance of a woman’s role in a family, there’s more to it than that. The decisions a woman makes can affect generations of her descendents.

Here’s what I think. I think Rebekah’s story remains in the Bible because, just like the rest of us, she was flawed. Families are complicated, and the relationships within them are dynamic and ever changing. Her love for Jacob and Isaac’s love for Esau could be demonstrated in homes all over the world. She and Jacob deliberately cooked up a sneaky scheme, and mothers everywhere are known to stretch the truth, withhold information, or champion the cause of one child or another. I’m not saying this is right; I’m saying it happens.

Vashti Said No

Today I saw a young man with his jeans so low that I caught more than a glimpse of his blue anded plaid boxer shorts. I wonder if this is a new trend, having your under garments coordinate with your outer ones. Seems like I read a couple of years ago that women’s bra straps should blend or at least complement tank top colors. Gee whiz. Why not just make sure the under garments stay underneath???

All these sights have reminded me of Queen Vashti in the book of Esther. Everyone applauds Esther (and rightly so) for her courage in going before King Ahasuerus, but rarely do people have much to say about Vashti, the lady who sat on the throne before Esther came on the scene. Vashti, like Esther, risked everything she had in her communication with the king, and she paid a big price for it.

In a nutshell, there had been much merrymaking in the land for quite a while, 100 and fourscore days. After this time, Ahasuerus held yet another weeklong feast, one for the men and one for the women. From what I can glean from the scriptures, there was drinking and revelry among the men. On the 7th day, the king sent for his queen, Vashti, so that she could “shew the people and the princes her beauty.” She refused, and the king was “very wroth.”

I wasn’t there, and my only information is from the scriptures themselves and from some commentaries that I’ve read. My understanding of the events, however, is that perhaps Ahasuerus intended for Vashti to parade around in front of the drunken crowd. Rather than expose herself to leering gawkers, she said no. It would have been easier for her to go along, to be a good sport, but Vashti was courageous enough to say no. She must have known that there would be a consequence, but it didn’t matter. The scriptures tell us that anger burned in Ahasuerus, and at the prompting of his advisors, he gave her “royal estate to another.”

It might be a stretch, but I can see the application of the principles of modesty and courage in the world today. Why do people, men and women alike, bare shoulders, breasts, and midriffs for any and everyone to view? Why do young men feel the need to have their undies showing? Is it because of the need to be fashionable and to fit in? Doesn’t it take more courage to cover up and say NO to the wearing of revealing apparel than to give in to the popular trends of today?

What price will you pay to keep your throne? Will you say no to immodesty and immorality even if it costs you your popularity? Or will you go along with the world’s “look” to be accepted and popular?

Lisa and Others

I’m a lucky gal to have so many wonderful friends who encourage, uplift, and inspire me. Most of them enlighten and teach me something every time I see them. And then some are quite entertaining and fun to be with. While they’re all different, they all have something in common: they’re good people trying hard to lead the best kind of life they can. We all slip and fall from time to time, and we all have our little weaknesses and soft spots, but when we fall, we get up, brush ourselves off, and get going. About those soft spots, well, we try not to let them get the better of us.

This post could be written about one of my friends, but tonight I have Lisa, one of my sisters-in-law, on my mind. It’s probably because I recently spent some time with her in Beaufort, NC where six of us had the opportunity to go on a sailing excursion. Becky, another sister-in-law was there too. Lisa, however, is the one who planned the trip and paid for the expedition itself. Sweet, huh? She’s like that. She wanted to do something special to celebrate my brother Mike’s 60th birthday, so the weekend was her brainchild. She even picked up the tab for dinner at the Front Street Restaurant that evening. That's her in the center of the picture above.

Here’s something I wrote about her five or six years ago that describes her to a tee.
“How fortunate we are to have Lisa in our family. My brother Mike’s wife,  Lisa, has always been stalwart and persevering in teaching Christian principles by both word and deed. Her spirit is sweet, and all within her sphere can sense her serene nature. Not only does Lisa work as a nurse at a large hospital, but she also performs all of the tasks involved in the so-called “second shift” described by sociologists. She plans and prepares healthy meals, decorates their home with taste and style, cleans and tidies their surroundings, shops wisely for bargains, takes care of everyone’s laundry, and rarely becomes ruffled.

"A good mother, Lisa has raised two responsible, mannerly sons who know of the presence of God in their lives and seek his guidance regularly. She and my brother have Sarah Beth, a young teenager who daily enters a war zone as she goes to high school, the mall, or social activities. Armed with years of her parents’ teachings and continuing immersion in church activities, she is helped in battling the adversary. My brother is blessed to have such a wife, someone who lovingly performs the duties of the virtuous woman spoken of in Proverbs.”

Proverbs 19:14
“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children ariseu p, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.”

Better Together

A couple of Saturdays ago, I was strolling down the beach and saw a flurry of activity ahead. There were three or four men wearing suits, and as I got closer, I spied two men in military uniforms. Other people joined the crowd, all dressed in their Sunday best. And there she was: a beautiful barefoot bride making her way down the dunes toward the wedding party. I couldn’t resist watching for a few minutes, so I stood off to the side with some other gawkers.

After a few minutes, I continued my walk down the strand, and when I returned about 30 minutes later, there were only three people there, the newlyweds and the person who married them. I couldn’t help but think that sooner or later, it all comes down to just two people. Others are there to support and encourage the couple, but ultimately they’re on their own. Yes, I know that God is the third partner in a marriage (or should be), but that’s a post for another day. Today my focus is on the two who say, “I do.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the Adam and Eve story. Not only were they the first married couple and first parents, but as far as we know, they stayed together despite a rocky start. I recently re-read their story for a lesson I was to teach, and today I’m pondering some of the insights I gained from studying the account in Genesis. It hit me for the first time that although Eve did what she was told not to do, Adam stuck by her side. Maybe it was because she was the only other human around, but I think it was more than that.

This is my take on it. After Eve had partaken of the fruit, she told Adam what she had done. She “fessed up” rather than try to hide it. Yes, perhaps she should have consulted with him beforehand, but I’m thinking of how appealing and delicious Satan made the fruit look to her. Eve might well have asked herself why something so beautiful should be forbidden. Like I’ve often heard other women (and men) reason, she might have decided it was easier to get forgiveness than permission. Whatever her motives, Eve succumbed to the serpent’s temptation. Is there a woman alive who hasn’t???

Here’s the part I like. When Eve told Adam what she had done, he didn’t berate her, scold her, criticize her, or give her a lecture on morality and honesty. Nope. He took a bite too. They were partners who were working on their “oneness,” and he seemed to recognize that. They then became aware of their nakedness, and both attempted to cover it. Together, they tried to hide from God. He, of course, knew of their transgression and of their location. It’s worth noting that they are together when He discovers them; they were united. It’s true that Adam sort of tried to pass the buck and blame his disobedience on Eve, but still….

Together, they’re expelled from Eden, and together they begin their mortal life, one of toil and trouble and sorrow. I’m not saying they don’t share laughter and some fun times too. (I sure hope they do). I’m just saying that Adam stuck by her and that together they left the garden. I see a lesson for us in there. Do you?

Modern Day Ruth

I’ve thought about the story of Ruth and Boaz on and off for a long time. Most of the time when the book of Ruth is discussed, it’s in terms of her loyalty to Naomi, her mother-in-law. Although Naomi tells Ruth and Orpah to return to leave her and return to their lands, Ruth refuses and says, “Whither thy goest I will go.” In fact, her response to Naomi is so beautiful and loving that it’s been sung at many weddings.

But that’s not what I’m thinking about today. I’m thinking about what happened as a consequence of Ruth staying in with Naomi. Ruth gleans in the fields of Boaz, a kinsman of Naomi, and at some point she attracts his interest. Naomi instructs Ruth to lie at his feet one night, and Boaz promises to seek her as his wife. Eventually the two marry, and Ruth gives birth to Obed, the father of Jesse who is the father of David.

It blows my mind to realize that IF Ruth had not stayed with Naomi and IF she had not gleaned in the fields to find food for Naomi and her and IF she had not deliberately lain at the feet of Boaz, then the genealogy of Christ would have been different. Well, maybe so and maybe not. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and He would’ve found a way for His plan to work.

The point I’m trying to make is that Ruth, at the encouragement of Naomi, “put herself out there” so that Boaz could see her. While it’s true that Boaz noticed Ruth as she worked in his fields, it wasn’t until she lay at his feet that he began to think of her as a possible wife.

The reason this story popped into my mind today is because I know a friend who has found her Boaz over the internet. While others might scoff or sneer, this friend now is happier than she has been in years. Her friends are waiting to be found as they glean on the edges of a field, while this modern day Ruth has gone a step farther.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my thinking is twisted. Or maybe I’m seeing more in this story than is intended. Still, I’m wondering if another element to the story of Ruth, Naomi, and Boaz has to do with being a little more assertive in the quest for love. If Ruth can lie at the feet of Boaz, then surely it's okay for her 21st century sister to use e-harmony or another online service.

Life Turns on a Dime

Life can turn on a dime, or at least that’s what I’m always spouting off to my children. But really, don’t you think there’s a lot of truth to that? Based on a seemingly little decision, a person’s whole life can change, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. What I’m thinking about this morning are three of King David’s wives: Michal, Abigail, and Bathsheba.

Caught between her father’s villainy and her husband’s safety, Michal chose in favor of the latter. Rather than turn David over to Saul who would surely have him killed, Michal helped him escape through a window into darkness and the relative safety of the night. As a consequence, her father was furious when he discovered the ruse, and if that wasn’t bad enough, she didn’t see her husband for years. When Michal and David met again, their circumstances were greatly changed, and for this morning, I’ll just note that she had slipped greatly in his affection.

Married to a brutish (my interpretation), Abigail made a decision that changed her life forever. While David and about 600 men were living in the wilderness of Paran, he sent ten men to Nabal, Abigail’s husband, to ask for food. He refused. When Abigail learned of this, she didn’t think twice about packing grain, bread, sheep, raisins, figs and sending them to the future king and his men. She followed behind and personally begged for forgiveness for Nabal’s foolishness. What a diplomat! Nabal died shortly thereafter, and it wasn’t long before David sent for Abigail who, again without hesitation, went to David and became his wife.

Bathing on a rooftop as was the custom at the time, Bathsheba was spied by David and summoned to his presence. While the other two above-mentioned women probably made more of a conscious choice, she undoubtedly went to King David because of the royal writ. Her husband was away at battle, and perhaps she imagined that the king had some information for her about Uriah. Once in David’s presence, we know what happened, and as a consequence, she became pregnant, her husband was sent to the front of the battle, and David married her. Their child died, but later she gave birth to Solomon.

My purpose wasn’t to give a Bible study lesson this morning…guess I got a little carried away. It’s just that it recently hit me that these women, just like us, made seemingly little decisions that affected the course of their lives. It makes me want to step back and think twice about my choices. What about you?

Modern Day Leah

My sister let me borrow an interesting book entitled Flawed Families of the Bible, and although I haven’t really gotten into it yet, I’m intrigued by some of the chapter titles. For instance, Chapter Two is entitled “Leah’s Story: When Your Spouse Loves Another and You Feel Unloved and Left Out.” Most people, at least the ones reading this blog, are probably familiar with the story. Jacob marries Leah first, and although she bears him six sons and at least one daughter, apparently Jacob always loves Rachel more. The jealousies and rivalries are something I’ll tackle another day.

It must have been a bummer for Leah to try so hard to impress Jacob. Baby after baby she bore, and yet Rachel who remained childless for years continued to be # 1 in Jacob’s heart. I’ve been married twice, and although we had/have issues, none of them had to do with another woman being first in my husbands’ lives. At least I don’t think so. Why would any woman settle for the second spot? I know there are many answers to that question, but again, today is not the day to pursue that enigma.

What hit me this morning as I skimmed the chapter titles is that although I’m not second in my husband’s affections concerning another woman, I often feel in the second position in many other areas. Case in point. We’ve been invited to a wedding this weekend that it’s important for me to attend, and we’ve known about it for weeks. Something has come up, however, that precludes DH from attending with me. His mother is having a reunion with her sisters and brother at her house, and she’s asked him to fry the fish for the event. He has two other brothers, but no one has apparently thought of that. Or then again, maybe they have. To “cut him some slack,” although we’ve known about the wedding for quite some time, we were both a little sketchy on the exact date and time.

Maybe I’m doing a little therapeutic bingeing, and I might regret it in a few hours, but it occurs to me that most of the time I’m behind Mother, Daddy, brothers, sister, children, grandchildren, sports, hunting, and television. Speaking of the latter, if American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor, The Biggest Loser, or any golf match in the world is on, I can hang it up…so to speak. I know the preceding list should have more punctuation, but gee whiz, there are so many of them that it looked funny when I started inserting the apostrophes.

I’m not whining, just sharing a revelation. Truthfully, I’m a person who craves a certain amount of solitude to read, write, and ponder stuff. He might even feel neglected while I’m on the computer taking care of my online classes, blogging, or writing the next great American novel. We’re actually pretty well suited to each other because we understand the importance of space.

So what am I saying? Two things. People need to make the relationship with their spouses top priority. That’s what lasts (we hope), not “American Idol.” The other thing is that this works both ways. Here I am comparing myself to Leah who was never tops with Jacob, the older sister who always paled in comparison to Rachel. HOWEVER, this works both ways in that there are thousands of men out there who feel second on the totem pole. Their partners put them behind children, careers, houses, and so forth.

Anyway, my big revelation for this morning is that there are many ways to identify with Leah besides being second to another woman. I can’t wait to read the chapter in my sister's book and see what insights lie in store.

Tonight is the last night of the Bible study on Esther, and I haven’t written anything about last week’s lesson and the insights I received. Where does the time go?

Just because I haven’t written anything, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t been pondering and trying to apply what I learned. Remember in the 8th chapter of Esther when she again goes before the king to plead with him for the life of her people? The evil Haman has been taken care of, and Mordecai is now in his place. Yet the Jewish people are still scheduled to be killed in the month of Adar. In this chapter, we see the queen falling at the king’s feet and tearfully requesting that he reverse the edict ordering the destruction of her people.

Of all the things our facilitator discussed last week, the one I remember best is the reminder to “fight the good fight.” Fight for your people, your children, your husband, your family. Be emotional. Cry. Get on your knees if necessary but FIGHT. Beth Moore, developer of the Esther study series, struck a responsive chord in many of us in the class when she said, “Fight for your marriage.”

She read a letter from a woman who was saddened by the fact that after 20 years of marriage, her husband had basically said “okay” when she told him she wanted a divorce. In her case, she really didn’t want a divorce so much as she wanted him to fight for her, for them. After reading the letter to the class, Beth Moore went on say that women want men who will fight for them, who will die for them if necessary. She then said “Fight for your marriage, fight for your family” several times with such sincerity and power that I think all of us were motivated to work much, much harder on our relationships, especially the marriage one. I actually went home and said, “I will fight for you. I will fight for our marriage, our partnership.” I think DH thought I’d flipped my lid because rather than respond to my vow, he asked whether I wanted to eat at Chili’s or the Huddle House.

Interestingly, this past weekend, we watched Fireproof, a movie about a couple whose marriage was unraveling. They turn things around by applying Christian principles of love, unselfishness, and sacrifice to their partnership. It was a great flick, and I couldn’t help but think of the “coincidence” of seeing it so soon after being reminded of fighting the good fight. The basic message of the movie was to never forsake your partner, whether it’s a fire fighting colleague or your spouse. Make the relationship fireproof and inviolable.

I realize that it “takes two to tango,” and yet I earnestly think (know) that in my situation I could be a bit more unselfish, a little more in tune to what he might want instead of what I want. For starters, we went to Chili’s last week, his choice.